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[16 Oct 2005|11:37pm] |
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stop. and breathe in forever.
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| waiting |
[30 Sep 2005|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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Don't you give up trying,
And don't you let me down,
The English dream, don't let me down.
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[01 Sep 2005|07:23pm] |
I want to vomit, and can honestly say that I probably will.
You broke my heart.
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| When I was younger I was so optimistic |
[13 Aug 2005|11:58pm] |
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mood |
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 slighty bored |
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I'm in a pretty good mood right about now.
Yesterday was fun stuff.
I got to see Emily.
We went to Barrone like always.
I got several comments on my Death Cab shirt.
Twas pretty random.
I babysat a girl who lives quite close to me.
She can speak Japanese.
It's crazy.
We watched Kiki's Delivery Service.
It was Sandra's birthday.
Good times.
Good people.
I love the City.
Spectacular Views.
I love love love the Dashboard poster I got from Aggie.
I'm still excited about it.
I bought magazines today!
I love magazines.
Went to PCC for .73249879832 seconds.
Left with Steve.
Hung out with good people.
Got the On Dubz demo from Checkers.
I put it on my brothers computer.
I'm excited about it.
I have some good pictures from Limbeck but I can't resize them on this computer.
It blows.
I'm drinking Orange Gatorade.
I want to go shopping so I can buy new clothes that I don't need.
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| So. I'm updating. |
[30 Jul 2005|01:17am] |
Although I try to share as little about my personal life as possible (well only in some cases), I guess I should let a few of you know what's going on.
Skyler and I have decided to discontinue our relationship together.
I tried to word that really nicely so it wouldn't sting as much. In other words,
We broke up.
From an average teenager's perspective, most would probably think that one of us got tired of the other, one of us doesn't like each other anymore, or we just decided that we wanted to see other people.
All of those do not apply to the decision we made. Understanding why we did this, was hard enough for the both of us. It took some time to figure it out. But I will try and put it in the best words as possible, because I would rather do this than have people think we just broke up for anything along the lines of the standard adolescent reason.
To put it plainly, even though ironically it isn't at all, we love each other too much. If Skyler and I were around the age of 29 or 30, things would be more simple. We wouldn't have the restraints that this age holds back on us. Being 15, 16 years old and having this deep of feelings for someone, well..you get scared. I remember the first time we said "I love you." I didn't know what to do. I walked around in a daze for a for awhile, I was completely beside myself. But everytime I said it, I knew I meant it. And the more I said it, the better I felt about him and I. Skyler became my best friend. He still is.
This is becoming more and more difficult to write about, but it's probably better that I do this, for myself.
Skyler and I talked constantly about what it would be like to have a life together. To share a life together. We wanted it so bad. Then we remembered. We're only in highschool. Thinking logical in a state of mind that messes with your entire being and temporarily changes your entire life, is practically impossible. After almost 5 months, Skyler told me that he loved me too much. So much that, it was too hard for him.
He said it hurt.
It hurt me when he said that. It's strange, how could I be hurt by someone, not just anyone, telling me that they love me so much that it hurts on the inside? No one's ever said that to me before. Except him. I didn't know what to think at first. Why is this happening, why are you doing this, why why why..that's all that was running through my head. I felt lost. But after 2 days of talking with him non-stop basically, we came to an understanding. Not an agreement, but an understanding. We knew what was going on now. We met downtown so we could see each other. We sat on a concrete bench. We kissed for that last time. Well maybe the last few times. I cried. He told me that he'd take a bullet for me, that he'd do anything for me. That he loved me. And always will. Again, no one has ever said that to me before, except him.
This may seem rather silly, but I'm thankful that we broke up after my last day of summer school, because if it had been anytime before that, I would have failed my class. Because I was a fucking wreck. I don't even know why I went to see the Circle Jerks later that night. Actually I take that back. I know why I did, but I just don't know how. I went because he was going to be there. And he still wanted to see me. I still wanted to see him too.
It makes me undeniably happy that he still wants to see me all the time and call me and such. But it makes me more at ease knowing that he would go to such lengths keeping us in contact. He told me that if I never wanted to talk to him again, that he would respect that, but that a part of him would die on the inside.
Skyler is the most amazing person I've ever met. He is my best friend and always will be. Although I feel distraught, I think back on all of our memories and everything we've been through, and a huge feeling of reassurance replaces that. Because we have eachother still, and we won't ever let that go. And that's what best friends are for.
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[27 Jul 2005|12:18am] |
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mood |
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peaceful |
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He said I was like family.
This can't get any better I swear. Even though it probably will. :)
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[04 Jul 2005|03:05pm] |
I got my results back from the hospital. They said nothing's wrong with me. My heart is "perfect". That's nice, but my symptoms still carry on. I don't understand. It almost bugs me more that they found nothing wrong with me than them finding a concrete problem that they can fix. Because now I'll never know what's really wrong with me. But I might as well not dwell on it, if "nothing" is wrong with me.
This Saturday is 3 months together for me and Skyler. I'm really really happy.
Leila is a wonderful girl. Enough said.
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[09 Jun 2005|08:04pm] |
So. Either the next day or tomorrow, I get to find out if my heart condition is serious or not.
So I thought I'd update and tell you what that's all about.
For the past few months I've been having this strange reaction in my heart. I wont be doing anything in particular, and then all of the sudden it feels like it speeds up or skips or something, and then I can't breathe and I almost fall over because it startles me so much. I have to cough to get air in my lungs. So far, it's been increasing almost everyday. In the beginning it was once every 3 weeks, now it's 3 or more times every day. If you're reading this and are kinda worried, yeah, think how I feel. :-/
Then it got so bad about a week ago that I had to go to the hospital, and they took my blood, and then they did an EKG (it monitors your heart beat for about 45 seconds) and with that, they did a whole bunch of tests. they tested for Anemia, they tested for Asthma, they tested for Thyroid problems, and a few other things. All of the test results came up clear. I didn't have any of that, but that doesn't mean I'm not sick. Even though my test results were good, I still have this problem everyday, several times a day.
The doctor told me that I might have Atrial something something something, and decided not to specify to me whether it was really bad, or nothing to worry about. So now in a couple of days I have to go back to the hospital and pick up this monitor that I have to wear around my neck for a few days. It will track my heart beat and also track when I have one of those heart palpatations.
Then when I have to take it off, she'll go off of what it says.
And I don't really know what to do.
I'm not going to die. But this may prevent me from doing a lot of the things I love. So, (this sounds dumb) just wish me luck guys.
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[16 May 2005|05:11pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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I am sick and I can't sing at the moment unless sounding like a beached walrus is appealing to the ears these days. Anyways, I can't breathe. so goodbye.
P.S. skyler is the best.
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| Sooo. |
[07 May 2005|07:34pm] |
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I got a haircut.
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| yeah so I haven't updated in awhile |
[01 May 2005|03:26pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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The play turned out really really well, i'm so happy it's over because I finally can catch up on some sleep. other than that everything has been going pretty good. especially w/ skyler. gosh, what a guy. :):):):)
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| Today was nice. |
[14 Mar 2005|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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 silly |
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Me and Chris are cool kids at school. I'm glad he is my FA-WEND!
boomdaboomdoboomboom *high hat* high hat* high hat* boomdadadaboomboom
god I am such a good drummer.
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| MONKEY |
[12 Mar 2005|01:39pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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So Monkey is playing at the Phoenix again tonight. So i hope cool things happen tonight. yay for that.
This is my profile in action!
This is my mug shot.
yep.
alright well i'm hungry now. and that is more important than talking to this thing..or whatever. bye!
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[10 Mar 2005|04:07pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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please stop. this hurts.
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[09 Mar 2005|03:33pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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Well..I broke up with Tony. He seems to be okay. Which is good. It just got too serious to fast, that's all. He's a wonderful kid though, and i care for him a lot. Anyways, i'm feeling a lot better about this. Have a good day everyone.
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| my first entry..aww |
[07 Mar 2005|04:59pm] |
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Cool, this is my first thingy. So..I was thinking today, if I should put the real names of my friends and people in here or not. Like maybe fake identity's or something just in case their name is displayed in an embarassing way. yeah I think I'll do that. So I was talking to my cousin Alexia today (no fake ID needed). She's the best. We think it's really funny how weak we are. She said that if she was in an abusive relationship, she wouldn't stay even if she really really liked the guy. I think about that sometimes. I think, if I were in that situation, and it was Tony who was abusing me, I'd stay. And I completely admit that it makes me sound pathetically pathetic, but I don't really care. Sad yes? Yeah. I'm in a boy dilemma. It's quite adolesant of me, but these are my adolesant years, so why try and act grownup by denying it? I am extremely attracted to 3 different boys. One, I don't know that well, and he's my friend's ex, so that would be weird, but oddly enough I'm drawn towards him. The other, well we kinda sorta had a thing...then he fucked me over and I was sad and then I saw him a few days ago and he's damagingly gorgeous, so now my feelings for him have re-surfaced again. But he is interested in waaaaay to many ladies right now, so I don't think he will even look my way anytime soon. Then, the last one just asked me out on Friday. He's totally bitchin. But no offense to him he's a complete idiot when he's drunk/high/on crack. I don't like it, and unfortunatly that's a huge part of his life, so I don't know what's going on with him. And it's not that I'm against drugs or drinking, it's just that sometimes they don't mix well with certain people. I hate to see people depend on it. Oh well, it's not for me to decide.
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