Nikki (agent_dweebie) wrote,

So. I'm updating.

Although I try to share as little about my personal life as possible (well only in some cases), I guess I should let a few of you know what's going on.

Skyler and I have decided to discontinue our relationship together.

I tried to word that really nicely so it wouldn't sting as much. In other words,

We broke up.

From an average teenager's perspective, most would probably think that one of us got tired of the other, one of us doesn't like each other anymore, or we just decided that we wanted to see other people.

All of those do not apply to the decision we made. Understanding why we did this, was hard enough for the both of us. It took some time to figure it out. But I will try and put it in the best words as possible, because I would rather do this than have people think we just broke up for anything along the lines of the standard adolescent reason.

To put it plainly, even though ironically it isn't at all, we love each other too much. If Skyler and I were around the age of 29 or 30, things would be more simple. We wouldn't have the restraints that this age holds back on us. Being 15, 16 years old and having this deep of feelings for someone, get scared. I remember the first time we said "I love you." I didn't know what to do. I walked around in a daze for a for awhile, I was completely beside myself. But everytime I said it, I knew I meant it. And the more I said it, the better I felt about him and I. Skyler became my best friend. He still is.

This is becoming more and more difficult to write about, but it's probably better that I do this, for myself.

Skyler and I talked constantly about what it would be like to have a life together. To share a life together. We wanted it so bad. Then we remembered. We're only in highschool. Thinking logical in a state of mind that messes with your entire being and temporarily changes your entire life, is practically impossible. After almost 5 months, Skyler told me that he loved me too much. So much that, it was too hard for him.

He said it hurt.

It hurt me when he said that. It's strange, how could I be hurt by someone, not just anyone, telling me that they love me so much that it hurts on the inside? No one's ever said that to me before. Except him. I didn't know what to think at first. Why is this happening, why are you doing this, why why why..that's all that was running through my head. I felt lost. But after 2 days of talking with him non-stop basically, we came to an understanding. Not an agreement, but an understanding. We knew what was going on now. We met downtown so we could see each other. We sat on a concrete bench. We kissed for that last time. Well maybe the last few times. I cried. He told me that he'd take a bullet for me, that he'd do anything for me. That he loved me. And always will. Again, no one has ever said that to me before, except him.

This may seem rather silly, but I'm thankful that we broke up after my last day of summer school, because if it had been anytime before that, I would have failed my class. Because I was a fucking wreck. I don't even know why I went to see the Circle Jerks later that night. Actually I take that back. I know why I did, but I just don't know how. I went because he was going to be there. And he still wanted to see me. I still wanted to see him too.

It makes me undeniably happy that he still wants to see me all the time and call me and such. But it makes me more at ease knowing that he would go to such lengths keeping us in contact. He told me that if I never wanted to talk to him again, that he would respect that, but that a part of him would die on the inside.

Skyler is the most amazing person I've ever met. He is my best friend and always will be. Although I feel distraught, I think back on all of our memories and everything we've been through, and a huge feeling of reassurance replaces that. Because we have eachother still, and we won't ever let that go. And that's what best friends are for.
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